You know when you want something and its a time distance away, everything goes so very slow. Every morning as you shake the sleep from your brain you realise yet another day must pass. You must eat three meals, brush your teeth twice, dress and undress, perhaps two or three times depending on what you are doing or where you work. You must, read, clean, go to work, water plants, help with home work and shop. Each task filling the slots of time before what you want will arrive. Yet, when you are having the time of your life, doing the thing you last waited for, laughing, accomplishing, relishing in that longed for activity, that person, that job, that event, a day is but a mere second a week but a heart beat in time.
I feel like i want too much right now, though i know that what i want is less selfish; less materialistic than i normally want for, it is very much more frustrating and uncomfortable. I want a job, i want my husband next to me, i want to swim, i want to race 13.1 miles tomorrow, i want a finishers medal in Tri this season, i want my paid for cycling shoes so i can train in what i will race. I want a garden so i can grow my own food, i want a baby-a family of my own.
And i hate that i want so much right now, when i know that i'm lucky to have what i do. I have time. Time to find the right job, with little pressure to just take the first one offered; as i have a roof over my head and food on my dinner plate. I have time with my parents after being away for so long. Time to train, time to run, bike and run some more. Time to bake, read, clean and socialise, to help my friend with her allotment. I have lots of time. Perhaps, sometimes i feel, too much time.
Lots of Time and lack of Money (read:being unemployed) can often be like mental road blocks. Sometimes they are those bright orange plastic ones, they make you change lanes or stop, but you can go around them on a bicycle, you could pick them up and move them if you so desire, if you have the strength. Others you can not, those are motorway dividers, three ton blocks of cement, diverting your course with no chance of slipping by; sneaking off behind one, even if you slowed down, or in fact sped up, these just will not budge.
I have to try to differentiate between these road blocks in my life right now. They are not always obvious, orange or cement, light or heavy. But if i continually get diverted without trying to go around, trying to pick up and move the orange blocks, i will never get to where i want to be. I will end up at Lands End instead of John 'O Graots.
For instance, if I take a slight detour I can do a dualthlon instead of a triathlon as I have a trainers and a bike. They are cheaper to enter and no cost to train. Though I have been in essence training for a HM since I started running, in janurary, in the grand scheme of things i'm doing one pretty soon. I'm job hunting and will get a job soon which will allow me to get everything I want. In the mean time I just have to keep my chin up eat three meals and brush my teeth twice a day.